Sunday, September 23, 2007
Friday, September 14, 2007
What I Did Today, Was For Friendship...
This is me.
What is not me, is to fight hard for my friendships...
I'm doing so right now, because this one is worth it...
If it goes, it will not be because I was too scared to face up to the problems, like last time...
The next time, I will be stronger, braver and faster...
Life... it's a learning experience... we are all just learning as we go along...
What is not me, is to fight hard for my friendships...
I'm doing so right now, because this one is worth it...
If it goes, it will not be because I was too scared to face up to the problems, like last time...
The next time, I will be stronger, braver and faster...
Life... it's a learning experience... we are all just learning as we go along...
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
Amidst all the pointless work in life...
I had a conversation with a colleague today. It's moments like this that you would remember for a long time, one of those incidents that, upon reflection decades later, you realise that it was a direction marker, one that would pretty much guide the next phase of my life...
He told me that many years ago, just after he came back from his university studies, as a scholar, he was asked one of those standard 'scholarly' questions, "What is your guiding philosophy in life?" He answered that it would be such that, every 2-3 years, when he asked himself what is his aim, it would be entirely different. This would indicate that there was a certain focal point in his life, and that he had accomplished what he set out to do, and move on to other things. He termed this his "chapters", that every 2-3 years, he would move on to a different chapter, a different part of life, as his goals change with his experiences.
That struck me. Hard. I mean, WOW! It's almost completely in opposition to the way I've been living... I think, in my entire life, I have always been focused on 1 or 2 main things, which never changed. It has always been vague targets, and each and every year, it was a variation of the same old, same old. To the point of obsession. Yet, sub-consciously, there was an inherent understanding that I would always have time later to achieve those targets, so I could afford to slacken off, and putter around...
Correctly or not, it had meant that my life was a one-chapter book, just detailing the endless circles and agonising efforts as I achieved (or not) my life purpose, a vague and ephemeral imagining... Thus, what if I never change direction, but never accomplished that overall life purposes? On my grave then, it would say "Here lies K-U, his only purpose in life was to serve as a warning for others"...
What he said, made absolute sense. To me. On a very fundamental level. When I look back, there are so few, so few, things that I can recall with fondness and pride. I have just been plodding along, content with being blown with the winds of current events. I tell myself, I have goals, but since they're so hard to accomplish anyway, lemme just concentrate on all the impotent ,daily, nonsensical, minute, meaningless chores that are nipping at my ankles.
Oh look, a year has passed. Nothing's changed. Again.
It's been like that the past 27 years for me. No better time than the present, to wake up and see what's been happening with my life. I have written one chapter in my life so far, 27 years in the making. It's time to outline new chapters, new goals, something to achieve in 3 years, accomplish that, and move on to something else.
I will do just that. This year, I will compete and complete the stanchart full marathon. Or die trying. That will be something I will look back fondly. After that, I will think of something else, not rest in the comfort of the knowledge of that (hopefully) accomplishment. 2nd December 2007 will end a chapter of my life, and start a new one.
My life story will be filled up with exciting and fulfilling chapters... That is my life purpose.
He told me that many years ago, just after he came back from his university studies, as a scholar, he was asked one of those standard 'scholarly' questions, "What is your guiding philosophy in life?" He answered that it would be such that, every 2-3 years, when he asked himself what is his aim, it would be entirely different. This would indicate that there was a certain focal point in his life, and that he had accomplished what he set out to do, and move on to other things. He termed this his "chapters", that every 2-3 years, he would move on to a different chapter, a different part of life, as his goals change with his experiences.
That struck me. Hard. I mean, WOW! It's almost completely in opposition to the way I've been living... I think, in my entire life, I have always been focused on 1 or 2 main things, which never changed. It has always been vague targets, and each and every year, it was a variation of the same old, same old. To the point of obsession. Yet, sub-consciously, there was an inherent understanding that I would always have time later to achieve those targets, so I could afford to slacken off, and putter around...
Correctly or not, it had meant that my life was a one-chapter book, just detailing the endless circles and agonising efforts as I achieved (or not) my life purpose, a vague and ephemeral imagining... Thus, what if I never change direction, but never accomplished that overall life purposes? On my grave then, it would say "Here lies K-U, his only purpose in life was to serve as a warning for others"...
What he said, made absolute sense. To me. On a very fundamental level. When I look back, there are so few, so few, things that I can recall with fondness and pride. I have just been plodding along, content with being blown with the winds of current events. I tell myself, I have goals, but since they're so hard to accomplish anyway, lemme just concentrate on all the impotent ,daily, nonsensical, minute, meaningless chores that are nipping at my ankles.
Oh look, a year has passed. Nothing's changed. Again.
It's been like that the past 27 years for me. No better time than the present, to wake up and see what's been happening with my life. I have written one chapter in my life so far, 27 years in the making. It's time to outline new chapters, new goals, something to achieve in 3 years, accomplish that, and move on to something else.
I will do just that. This year, I will compete and complete the stanchart full marathon. Or die trying. That will be something I will look back fondly. After that, I will think of something else, not rest in the comfort of the knowledge of that (hopefully) accomplishment. 2nd December 2007 will end a chapter of my life, and start a new one.
My life story will be filled up with exciting and fulfilling chapters... That is my life purpose.
Monday, September 03, 2007
My Horoscope for Today... Things will Change...
The Bottom Line
Your place among your friends is secure today, and you know just where you stand.
In Detail
By today, you have pushed through the most confusing part of your little emotional obstacle course -- and things are starting to look clearer and you are starting to feel much happier. Your place among your friends is secure, and you know just where you stand. Hold onto your rising optimism, because it will take you the rest of the way. The going is not going to be so rough anymore, and you are about to experience an extended period of peace, relaxation, and contentment.
Thoughts in the middle of the night...
Sometimes I can't sleep...
The body is tired and aching, but the mind is sharp and alert, filling it up with neverending thoughts... My day, my week, my life. Anxious, I looked at the alarm clock... 2.15am, just 4 hours before I have to awaken and face a brand new day. Can't help but wonder about the myriad of events that would occur in the next 24 hours, the joys, the heartbreaks, the expected and unexpected.
Just another day in paradise, my paradise, where I work without feeling, and I wander in search of a meaningful existence, displeased at my current state of affairs. The work is uninspiring, unchallenging, and every single day, it drags me down deeper and deeper into the grave of pointlessness. The more I work, the more useless I feel, the more I blend into the wallpaper, almost content to just while away as a Life Ordinary...
Wasn't I supposed to do much more? Accomplish more significant things than just end up making powerpoint slide and writing papers that lead to nothing, nothing at all? Did I really work so hard last time to just stagnate, my flesh rotting, and my mind growing in feebleness? Is there something out there waiting for me to fill the void and BE somebody?
Like one of my favourite movies' title, is this really "As Good As It Gets"?
If it is...
The body is tired and aching, but the mind is sharp and alert, filling it up with neverending thoughts... My day, my week, my life. Anxious, I looked at the alarm clock... 2.15am, just 4 hours before I have to awaken and face a brand new day. Can't help but wonder about the myriad of events that would occur in the next 24 hours, the joys, the heartbreaks, the expected and unexpected.
Just another day in paradise, my paradise, where I work without feeling, and I wander in search of a meaningful existence, displeased at my current state of affairs. The work is uninspiring, unchallenging, and every single day, it drags me down deeper and deeper into the grave of pointlessness. The more I work, the more useless I feel, the more I blend into the wallpaper, almost content to just while away as a Life Ordinary...
Wasn't I supposed to do much more? Accomplish more significant things than just end up making powerpoint slide and writing papers that lead to nothing, nothing at all? Did I really work so hard last time to just stagnate, my flesh rotting, and my mind growing in feebleness? Is there something out there waiting for me to fill the void and BE somebody?
Like one of my favourite movies' title, is this really "As Good As It Gets"?
If it is...
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
Thoughts...
What do you say to a man,
who's afraid to see his own reflection?
it's like a man running away from his shadow.
always there, lurking in the background,
when you least expect it, dropping your guard,
it rears its ugly head...
the feeling of self-loathing is strong,
you hate yourself, dread, desperation
and ... pity.
you wonder how others can accept who you are,
when there is no acceptability within,
your appearance is not the image you project,
far from it...
you look deeper within,
and hope that there is an inner beauty,
hidden within,
to make up for the outward appearance...
the horrible realisation,
no consolation there,
if possible, it is even darker and more horrid,
an evil barely suppressed and covered...
What do you say to a man,
who hates his outside,
and hates his inside?
who's afraid to see his own reflection?
it's like a man running away from his shadow.
always there, lurking in the background,
when you least expect it, dropping your guard,
it rears its ugly head...
the feeling of self-loathing is strong,
you hate yourself, dread, desperation
and ... pity.
you wonder how others can accept who you are,
when there is no acceptability within,
your appearance is not the image you project,
far from it...
you look deeper within,
and hope that there is an inner beauty,
hidden within,
to make up for the outward appearance...
the horrible realisation,
no consolation there,
if possible, it is even darker and more horrid,
an evil barely suppressed and covered...
What do you say to a man,
who hates his outside,
and hates his inside?
Something Stupid...
Found this song... been putting it on repeat... the rhythm and the lyrics are just so enchanting...
just so right...
Hope u will like it too... :)
============================
Something Stupid
(Robbie Williams & Nicole Kidman)
I know I stand in line
Until you think you have the time
To spend an evening with me
And if we go someplace to dance
I know that there's a chance
You won't be leaving with me
Then afterwards we drop into a quiet little place
And have a drink or two
And then I go and spoil it all
By saying something stupid
Like I love you
I can see it in your eyes
That you despise the same old lines
You heard the night before
And though it's just a line to you
For me it's true
And never seemed so right before
I practice every day to find some clever
lines to say
To make the meaning come through
But then I think I'll wait until the evening
gets late
And I'm alone with you
The time is right
Your perfume fills my head
The stars get red
And oh the night's so blue
And then I go and spoil it all
By saying something stupid
Like I love you
I love you...
just so right...
Hope u will like it too... :)
============================
Something Stupid
(Robbie Williams & Nicole Kidman)
I know I stand in line
Until you think you have the time
To spend an evening with me
And if we go someplace to dance
I know that there's a chance
You won't be leaving with me
Then afterwards we drop into a quiet little place
And have a drink or two
And then I go and spoil it all
By saying something stupid
Like I love you
I can see it in your eyes
That you despise the same old lines
You heard the night before
And though it's just a line to you
For me it's true
And never seemed so right before
I practice every day to find some clever
lines to say
To make the meaning come through
But then I think I'll wait until the evening
gets late
And I'm alone with you
The time is right
Your perfume fills my head
The stars get red
And oh the night's so blue
And then I go and spoil it all
By saying something stupid
Like I love you
I love you...
Friday, August 24, 2007
Friday, August 10, 2007
Missed Directions
Someone asked me today what my goal in life was... I hesitated, not because I didn't have a goal already planned out, and not because I didn't want to share it out openly, but rather because... I forgot what it was.
I remembered stepping into my first day of work, convinced of the path I was going to take for at least the next 6 years of my life. The path was clear and promising: to achieve a balance of work, life, and health.
However, in the past year, my goals have been over-shadowed by events, good and bad. Sometimes work seems promising, and there's a glimmer of hope of its success, and all it needs is a little more time spent working, and less on friends and exercise. Then it starts to envelope me until i was consumed and obsessed, and forgot about my other priorities. When realisation sets in, i pull back, but by then, that balance has been broken.
That has repeated so often, eroding bit by bit my resolve to achieve that equilibrium... One year ahead, it has reached the point of near-oblivion in my mind, until that conversation today.
Work success is not everything. it should not consume the other aspects of my life. From now on, I will guard against this lapse diligently. I will work hard, but i will equally play hard as well. My work does not define me. Neither does my play. But rather, it's the mish-mash of dynamic equilibriums that shapes my life, molds my soul...
I remembered stepping into my first day of work, convinced of the path I was going to take for at least the next 6 years of my life. The path was clear and promising: to achieve a balance of work, life, and health.
However, in the past year, my goals have been over-shadowed by events, good and bad. Sometimes work seems promising, and there's a glimmer of hope of its success, and all it needs is a little more time spent working, and less on friends and exercise. Then it starts to envelope me until i was consumed and obsessed, and forgot about my other priorities. When realisation sets in, i pull back, but by then, that balance has been broken.
That has repeated so often, eroding bit by bit my resolve to achieve that equilibrium... One year ahead, it has reached the point of near-oblivion in my mind, until that conversation today.
Work success is not everything. it should not consume the other aspects of my life. From now on, I will guard against this lapse diligently. I will work hard, but i will equally play hard as well. My work does not define me. Neither does my play. But rather, it's the mish-mash of dynamic equilibriums that shapes my life, molds my soul...
Thursday, August 02, 2007
Somebody
i was feeling sian yesterday...
the last thing i wanted to do after a long and bad day, was to sit in front of my pc and do stuff. it just felt wrong. couldn't do it, not yesterday.
called up a friend, and we went down to the nearby drinking hole and shared conversations and thoughts over a nice cold dessert wine. chatted for over an hour, and felt so much better afterwards...
i guess that's all happiness is. being able to find someone to go out with, and chat about the long day, and hopes, dreams and aspirations, without worrying if the other party gets bored, weird, or angry.
we all go thru cyles of doom and gloom from time to time. hardly anyone can escape that. but what i call as happiness is, knowing that there's someone out there i can reach out to, to share my misery when i most need it. the knowledge of that existence of someone who cares for me, is the reason i can wake up every morning, and go to bed every night.
everybody needs somebody sometimes...
the last thing i wanted to do after a long and bad day, was to sit in front of my pc and do stuff. it just felt wrong. couldn't do it, not yesterday.
called up a friend, and we went down to the nearby drinking hole and shared conversations and thoughts over a nice cold dessert wine. chatted for over an hour, and felt so much better afterwards...
i guess that's all happiness is. being able to find someone to go out with, and chat about the long day, and hopes, dreams and aspirations, without worrying if the other party gets bored, weird, or angry.
we all go thru cyles of doom and gloom from time to time. hardly anyone can escape that. but what i call as happiness is, knowing that there's someone out there i can reach out to, to share my misery when i most need it. the knowledge of that existence of someone who cares for me, is the reason i can wake up every morning, and go to bed every night.
everybody needs somebody sometimes...
Monday, July 30, 2007
Words...
Once again, down the valley of my dark despair,
a sense of emptiness, of lost, of unfulfilled dreams...
i carry the mark of a fallen
i dream at night, toss fitfully,
wake up and ... nothing
my dreams are empty and hollow,
and all that's left is me,
alone in my thoughts,
in pain, in despair
go back to basics,
in fetal, clutching my knees tight,
rocking, over and over again,
deep breaths
pulse slowed,
vision cleared,
order restored,
a smile
i live to fight another day
my daily internal struggle...
a sense of emptiness, of lost, of unfulfilled dreams...
i carry the mark of a fallen
i dream at night, toss fitfully,
wake up and ... nothing
my dreams are empty and hollow,
and all that's left is me,
alone in my thoughts,
in pain, in despair
go back to basics,
in fetal, clutching my knees tight,
rocking, over and over again,
deep breaths
pulse slowed,
vision cleared,
order restored,
a smile
i live to fight another day
my daily internal struggle...
Sunday, July 29, 2007
a time to focus... consolidation is the key to concentrated success... prioritization is necessary to allocate scarce resources... realised there's so much i want to do. To build determination is to ingrain it into habits...
1) Squash - Finally found a squash partner and a squash court that is close to town. My trusty Wilson Hammer hasn't seen the florescent light of the courts in more than a half-year. Will aim for all tuesdays after work to play.
2) Tennis - Am stabilizing myself to play at least once a week. Same situation as above, found a court and an enthusiastic friend near home. Maybe all saturday mornings or evenings.
3) Badminton - Learnt that there is a badminton SIG. Mondays, 7pm... at SSC. Still contemplating, but it's very attractive, the only issue is getting to there. To consider and decide in a week...
4) Running - Signed up for Standard Chartered Marathon, at the goading of W. Heck, it's only 42.195km. Means I need to start clocking up the miles now. Twice a week, for now, at 10km. Sunday and Wednesday then. Got my running shoes and my music, that's all i need.
5) Roller-blading - Still a continual passion. Zipping up and down the coastline is just so relaxing. Keeps me from thinking about all the pressures of work... Once a week, Either Thursday or Saturday
6) Gym - To make it worthwhile, need to clock at least twice a week. Am running out of time to do work. Maybe can run in the gym on wednesday. Another time is Fridays. To alternate weights and cardio.
So packed... do i really have the time?
1) Squash - Finally found a squash partner and a squash court that is close to town. My trusty Wilson Hammer hasn't seen the florescent light of the courts in more than a half-year. Will aim for all tuesdays after work to play.
2) Tennis - Am stabilizing myself to play at least once a week. Same situation as above, found a court and an enthusiastic friend near home. Maybe all saturday mornings or evenings.
3) Badminton - Learnt that there is a badminton SIG. Mondays, 7pm... at SSC. Still contemplating, but it's very attractive, the only issue is getting to there. To consider and decide in a week...
4) Running - Signed up for Standard Chartered Marathon, at the goading of W. Heck, it's only 42.195km. Means I need to start clocking up the miles now. Twice a week, for now, at 10km. Sunday and Wednesday then. Got my running shoes and my music, that's all i need.
5) Roller-blading - Still a continual passion. Zipping up and down the coastline is just so relaxing. Keeps me from thinking about all the pressures of work... Once a week, Either Thursday or Saturday
6) Gym - To make it worthwhile, need to clock at least twice a week. Am running out of time to do work. Maybe can run in the gym on wednesday. Another time is Fridays. To alternate weights and cardio.
So packed... do i really have the time?
Tuesday, April 03, 2007
at rest...
I close my eyes. deep breaths...
Listening to the music...
The hopes we had were much too high...
Way out of reach but we had to try...
A smile on my contented face. The lights are dim. The faint sounds of the AC... The pains and aches of the day, washed away. The frustrations and the anger, all gone. All that is left, is the radio...
Another deep breath...
When there's love in sight...
i swear i'll always be strong...
Thinking back to the year so far... it's been quite a ride. Learnt a lot, often through the hard way. Grew in confidence... New experiences, new aspirations, new goals. Gained in maturity...
Oceans apart, day after day,
And i slowly go insane...
Somehow, things always seem better, easier, lighter, when I close my eyes. No distractions, just a mental model of the obstacles crossed, and the challenges ahead. When the eyes are closed, the pain receptors are numbed, but the other senses are heightened... pleasure, hope, perspective...
Now, we got nothing but the radio on...
we're all dancing to a new emotion...
How apt...
Listening to the music...
The hopes we had were much too high...
Way out of reach but we had to try...
A smile on my contented face. The lights are dim. The faint sounds of the AC... The pains and aches of the day, washed away. The frustrations and the anger, all gone. All that is left, is the radio...
Another deep breath...
When there's love in sight...
i swear i'll always be strong...
Thinking back to the year so far... it's been quite a ride. Learnt a lot, often through the hard way. Grew in confidence... New experiences, new aspirations, new goals. Gained in maturity...
Oceans apart, day after day,
And i slowly go insane...
Somehow, things always seem better, easier, lighter, when I close my eyes. No distractions, just a mental model of the obstacles crossed, and the challenges ahead. When the eyes are closed, the pain receptors are numbed, but the other senses are heightened... pleasure, hope, perspective...
Now, we got nothing but the radio on...
we're all dancing to a new emotion...
How apt...
Saturday, February 17, 2007
Reorganise, Rejuvenate, Restart
Life's a little messed up right now. Time to take a long deep look at myself. Entry will be a work-in-progress...
Hobbies:
1) Tennis - Have stopped playing for the past few weeks... realised that I've stopped improving, and starting moving in the wrong direction. My zest for the game ist still present, but it's a sports that requires someone else to play with. Need someone to play with, need some place to play with, need some coach to learn with...
2) Roller-blading
3) Squash
4) Golf
5) Running
6) Gym
7) Ping-pong
8) Cable-skiing
9) Badminton
10) Swimming
11) Ice-Skating
12) Reading
13) EPL
14) Formula One
15) Baking
16) Watching American shows
Hobbies:
1) Tennis - Have stopped playing for the past few weeks... realised that I've stopped improving, and starting moving in the wrong direction. My zest for the game ist still present, but it's a sports that requires someone else to play with. Need someone to play with, need some place to play with, need some coach to learn with...
2) Roller-blading
3) Squash
4) Golf
5) Running
6) Gym
7) Ping-pong
8) Cable-skiing
9) Badminton
10) Swimming
11) Ice-Skating
12) Reading
13) EPL
14) Formula One
15) Baking
16) Watching American shows
Tuesday, February 06, 2007
Was it Nothing At All....
I have a mp3 player. It's my very own Sony NW-S203. It's primary purpose: Provide the rhythm when I'm apace. My old one busted during the Singapore Marathon last year, only 3km into the run.
The music I play, it's all running music, with the fast musical beat coursing through my veins. My every step keeps to that rhythm, my arms swing left and right, and my lips alternate between silently echoing the lyrics and taking deep invigorating breaths.
All except one song, Michael Damien's "Was It Nothing At All". It's not the right beat; it's slow, calm, serene even... totally against what a running song should be... But, there's something so special about the song that I can't place it. There's something about the way he sings it, the guitar chords accompanying it that simply thrusts past my physical boundaries... I hear it with my heart, not my ears.
He sings it so painfully... the hurt just cries out at you
"Was it nothing at all...
No more hope of holding your body in the moonlight...
Did I fall in love for nothing..."
Perhaps his song reaches deep into the recesses of my suppressed memories. Was really happy once, with someone near and dear to my heart. But love dies, people move on, and memories are forgotten. Until a time when such a song comes, hurling its pick-ax and excavating the memories of past happiness and sorrow. And I wonder why I loved so hard, if it still came to naught.
"No more hope of touching you, feeling you by my side...
Did I fall in love for nothing..."
This song will remain in my music folder, happily hidden in-between two quick-paced, lyric-less tunes. If you ever see me, or run with me, and I have my headphones on...and my eyes glaze, and my feet slows its pace, and there's a broken smile on my face... you'll know what I'm hearing.
The song of my past.
The music I play, it's all running music, with the fast musical beat coursing through my veins. My every step keeps to that rhythm, my arms swing left and right, and my lips alternate between silently echoing the lyrics and taking deep invigorating breaths.
All except one song, Michael Damien's "Was It Nothing At All". It's not the right beat; it's slow, calm, serene even... totally against what a running song should be... But, there's something so special about the song that I can't place it. There's something about the way he sings it, the guitar chords accompanying it that simply thrusts past my physical boundaries... I hear it with my heart, not my ears.
He sings it so painfully... the hurt just cries out at you
"Was it nothing at all...
No more hope of holding your body in the moonlight...
Did I fall in love for nothing..."
Perhaps his song reaches deep into the recesses of my suppressed memories. Was really happy once, with someone near and dear to my heart. But love dies, people move on, and memories are forgotten. Until a time when such a song comes, hurling its pick-ax and excavating the memories of past happiness and sorrow. And I wonder why I loved so hard, if it still came to naught.
"No more hope of touching you, feeling you by my side...
Did I fall in love for nothing..."
This song will remain in my music folder, happily hidden in-between two quick-paced, lyric-less tunes. If you ever see me, or run with me, and I have my headphones on...and my eyes glaze, and my feet slows its pace, and there's a broken smile on my face... you'll know what I'm hearing.
The song of my past.
Monday, February 05, 2007
Between letting go, and pushing away...
For all the evil things I do/say to/about my friends, I truly cherish my friends very, very much...
However... when i feel that a friend is slipping away, for various reasons... I would go into the "fight or flight" mode...
The fight...
I'll wrestle my way through those reasons...
I learn a totally new sport, language, making extra time available for him/her, changing my likes/dislikes... maybe even change my hairstyle... But these are only temporary fixes, a 'hack' solution akin to plugging a finger in the leak in the dam... Sometimes that works... but... based on historical evidence... there's only so long it can hold together...
The flight...
I push away...
guess it's age and experience coming into play... you know certain things are inevitable: you can't help what's going to change... the only option left is to... change how you respond to it.
It's a self-preservation mechanism...
the heart can't take anymore rejections... it's been smashed and crumpled so often that only a broken silhouette remains of its former glory... self-preservation by laying the groundwork... it's just like painting a house; if you paper the floor well enough, the stains of the paint job will never leave a mark... similarly, you cover up all the vulnerables, dun give anyone a chance to hurt you... your own brick wall... reinforced with steel and a piranha-infested moat...
It's a pre-emptive strike...
Hurt the other before the other hurts you... it sounds truly malicious and evil. But in this world of strangers and strange things, who else is there to look after you, but yourself? Let them hurt! Why should I always be the one suffering... silently?
...
Both ways, it hurts... suffer alone, or spread the misery?
is there a third way?
However... when i feel that a friend is slipping away, for various reasons... I would go into the "fight or flight" mode...
The fight...
I'll wrestle my way through those reasons...
I learn a totally new sport, language, making extra time available for him/her, changing my likes/dislikes... maybe even change my hairstyle... But these are only temporary fixes, a 'hack' solution akin to plugging a finger in the leak in the dam... Sometimes that works... but... based on historical evidence... there's only so long it can hold together...
The flight...
I push away...
guess it's age and experience coming into play... you know certain things are inevitable: you can't help what's going to change... the only option left is to... change how you respond to it.
It's a self-preservation mechanism...
the heart can't take anymore rejections... it's been smashed and crumpled so often that only a broken silhouette remains of its former glory... self-preservation by laying the groundwork... it's just like painting a house; if you paper the floor well enough, the stains of the paint job will never leave a mark... similarly, you cover up all the vulnerables, dun give anyone a chance to hurt you... your own brick wall... reinforced with steel and a piranha-infested moat...
It's a pre-emptive strike...
Hurt the other before the other hurts you... it sounds truly malicious and evil. But in this world of strangers and strange things, who else is there to look after you, but yourself? Let them hurt! Why should I always be the one suffering... silently?
...
Both ways, it hurts... suffer alone, or spread the misery?
is there a third way?
Wednesday, January 31, 2007
The beautiful weather...
The morning breeze... light, crisp, fresh against my face... effortlessly blowing my worries away... The wind, like a happy faerie, swirls around me, up my sleeves, past my ears, through my hair...
It lifts me up: my body, my soul, my spirit...
The air is light, and the skies a clear blue... The pace of life slows down, and i take every advantage to soak in the gentle sunlight...
It calms me down: my tense body, my constant worries and my unfounded fears...
It is almost too good for my senses to bear...
I stop, and i close my eyes... Deep breaths...
Two for now...
It's just right... Today, it's just right.
It lifts me up: my body, my soul, my spirit...
The air is light, and the skies a clear blue... The pace of life slows down, and i take every advantage to soak in the gentle sunlight...
It calms me down: my tense body, my constant worries and my unfounded fears...
It is almost too good for my senses to bear...
I stop, and i close my eyes... Deep breaths...
Two for now...
It's just right... Today, it's just right.
Tuesday, January 30, 2007
Between Settling Down and Living It Up
The number 27...
That's really quite a nice-looking number. The "2" is nice and steady, in a runner's ready position, about to shoot off into greater glory... while "7" is all about taking it cool, leaning back and relaxing.
The choices of a 27...
That's an age that you're caught up between charging forward, and taking it slow. Like how the number looks, you're undecided between settling down and living it up... You look at your happily married peers and your single partying friends, and you wonder. You wonder which path to take, which life to lead.
But... it's not that hard a decision to make; either take the left foot forward, or the right one. C'est tout! Don't think further than that, because with every additional step, the way forward will get clearer, and the next steps will only get easier...
The day when I finally turn 27...
I will celebrate the fact that I have lived through 27 years of mistakes. and that I will make many many more... But the truth is, I am the sum of all my mistakes. By making my mistakes, I learn from them, and they will slowly (tho painfully) point me to the direction I should take, the decisions I should make. The more mistakes, the more sign posts to guide me along.
On that day, like what Phil Collins sang ... it's just another day in paradise. I will wake up that day. I will look back at my 27 years of sign posts. I will look into the horizon. I will smile. and I will take that next step...
That's really quite a nice-looking number. The "2" is nice and steady, in a runner's ready position, about to shoot off into greater glory... while "7" is all about taking it cool, leaning back and relaxing.
The choices of a 27...
That's an age that you're caught up between charging forward, and taking it slow. Like how the number looks, you're undecided between settling down and living it up... You look at your happily married peers and your single partying friends, and you wonder. You wonder which path to take, which life to lead.
But... it's not that hard a decision to make; either take the left foot forward, or the right one. C'est tout! Don't think further than that, because with every additional step, the way forward will get clearer, and the next steps will only get easier...
The day when I finally turn 27...
I will celebrate the fact that I have lived through 27 years of mistakes. and that I will make many many more... But the truth is, I am the sum of all my mistakes. By making my mistakes, I learn from them, and they will slowly (tho painfully) point me to the direction I should take, the decisions I should make. The more mistakes, the more sign posts to guide me along.
On that day, like what Phil Collins sang ... it's just another day in paradise. I will wake up that day. I will look back at my 27 years of sign posts. I will look into the horizon. I will smile. and I will take that next step...
Sunday, December 31, 2006
New Year, Old Thoughts
2007
Almost 27.
Gosh that's scary. Bet the same thought is growing through your head right now too.
The older you get, the longer the path you seem to have trot...
one's accomplishments get diluted by one's lifetime.
the older you get, the shorter the path in front of you appears...
you're too old to do this, you're too old to do that.
your body is weak, your flesh is putrid.
your mind is absence, your memory fading.
there's a point in your life where you're at the top of your game,
when you're the king of the 'hill',
this is a moment when one wonders,
"Am i still climbing my hill?
But have i already passed it?
If I had,
Was it a mountain?
Or an pile of sand,
already blown away by Time's gentle breeze?"
My scars, my wounds, and my aches
They carry my past with me.
Of past battles, past decisions, past choices.
They are the foundation of my soul.
But,
is the foundation sound?
Did i make the right choices then,
or have I doomed myself to a future of failures and regrets?
Is it too late
to say "I'm sorry, please let me try again??"
The answer is...
Maybe...
That's a word of hope, and a word of fear.
Carry both in the heart and walk onwards...
Almost 27.
Gosh that's scary. Bet the same thought is growing through your head right now too.
The older you get, the longer the path you seem to have trot...
one's accomplishments get diluted by one's lifetime.
the older you get, the shorter the path in front of you appears...
you're too old to do this, you're too old to do that.
your body is weak, your flesh is putrid.
your mind is absence, your memory fading.
there's a point in your life where you're at the top of your game,
when you're the king of the 'hill',
this is a moment when one wonders,
"Am i still climbing my hill?
But have i already passed it?
If I had,
Was it a mountain?
Or an pile of sand,
already blown away by Time's gentle breeze?"
My scars, my wounds, and my aches
They carry my past with me.
Of past battles, past decisions, past choices.
They are the foundation of my soul.
But,
is the foundation sound?
Did i make the right choices then,
or have I doomed myself to a future of failures and regrets?
Is it too late
to say "I'm sorry, please let me try again??"
The answer is...
Maybe...
That's a word of hope, and a word of fear.
Carry both in the heart and walk onwards...
Wednesday, December 20, 2006
It's like a drug...
I know it's bad for me, but I can't help myself.
it beckons me, luring me into the midst, again and again.
It's the nectar of the gods, the spring of eternal hope,
"Open up, give in", it says, "this time, it will come true"
I resist, driving it to the back of my head, down to the depths of my memories.
But there it resides, never dying, never fading away,
just patiently, patiently, awaiting...
minutes, days, weeks even...
For the right opportunity,
that faintest glance at the corner of my eye,
that brief moment when my guard is let down,
that shadow of an opportunity is all it needs.
It strikes without warning, slicing into me like a blade,
gripping my heart with its fist and ripping it out,
In that split second, the intensity of the hurt doesn't register... yet.
Instead, there's a numbing , almost beautiful, shock
like the rising of a mushroom cloud, you stare in amazement...
the pain, that familiar feeling,
cutting a fresh wound over the old battle scars.
They never heal completely; it's just dried blood, the pretense of recovery...
no matter how many times i've gone thru it,
this time it hurts, more... much more.
it hurts to death, but it doesn't kill me...
i dun blame it.
It is passive.
I can only blame myself for letting it happen.
Again and again.
One day i will break it,
but it's not today...
it beckons me, luring me into the midst, again and again.
It's the nectar of the gods, the spring of eternal hope,
"Open up, give in", it says, "this time, it will come true"
I resist, driving it to the back of my head, down to the depths of my memories.
But there it resides, never dying, never fading away,
just patiently, patiently, awaiting...
minutes, days, weeks even...
For the right opportunity,
that faintest glance at the corner of my eye,
that brief moment when my guard is let down,
that shadow of an opportunity is all it needs.
It strikes without warning, slicing into me like a blade,
gripping my heart with its fist and ripping it out,
In that split second, the intensity of the hurt doesn't register... yet.
Instead, there's a numbing , almost beautiful, shock
like the rising of a mushroom cloud, you stare in amazement...
the pain, that familiar feeling,
cutting a fresh wound over the old battle scars.
They never heal completely; it's just dried blood, the pretense of recovery...
no matter how many times i've gone thru it,
this time it hurts, more... much more.
it hurts to death, but it doesn't kill me...
i dun blame it.
It is passive.
I can only blame myself for letting it happen.
Again and again.
One day i will break it,
but it's not today...
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