It's like a drug...

I know it's bad for me, but I can't help myself.

it beckons me, luring me into the midst, again and again.
It's the nectar of the gods, the spring of eternal hope,
"Open up, give in", it says, "this time, it will come true"

I resist, driving it to the back of my head, down to the depths of my memories.
But there it resides, never dying, never fading away,
just patiently, patiently, awaiting...
minutes, days, weeks even...

For the right opportunity,
that faintest glance at the corner of my eye,
that brief moment when my guard is let down,
that shadow of an opportunity is all it needs.

It strikes without warning, slicing into me like a blade,
gripping my heart with its fist and ripping it out,
In that split second, the intensity of the hurt doesn't register... yet.
Instead, there's a numbing , almost beautiful, shock
like the rising of a mushroom cloud, you stare in amazement...

the pain, that familiar feeling,
cutting a fresh wound over the old battle scars.
They never heal completely; it's just dried blood, the pretense of recovery...
no matter how many times i've gone thru it,
this time it hurts, more... much more.
it hurts to death, but it doesn't kill me...

i dun blame it.
It is passive.
I can only blame myself for letting it happen.
Again and again.

One day i will break it,
but it's not today...