Doesn't Matter Whether You Win or Lose, It's How You Play the Game

Amazing how much I actually learn from Tennis. Today's another lesson. Played a singles match today. Did well at first, winning first game, but subsequently fell on the losing end. Finally lost 5-3. After the match, as I was leaving, and the court lights were dimming, I asked my coach what my single biggest fault was.

I expected him to tell me, it was my stamina, or lack thereof. I was panting and panting, and it was plain obvious that the game, as it went on, will end up with my collapsing from a burst lung, or a heart attack. I couldn't run for the ball, couldn't see the ball clearly, and was heaving and ho-ing until I had to call time to get a drink and a decent rest.

Instead, he told me, it was my lack of consistency. My forehands and backhands, however good, were erratic and error-prone. When I hit the ball, it was for the sake of getting the shot across the net, and within the court. All the training and classes, and the endless drilling of looking at the point of contact, the leg movement, the follow-through, the loosening of the grip, the position of the ball... all gone when i play a game.

He's totally right. I forget all my 10+ classes worth of training each time i play. And the more i play outside class, the more i entrench my mistakes. the more i entrench my mistakes, the worse i get... with i'm playing so much, I forget why i'm playing so much.

It's not about winning the point, it's about how i hit the ball every time. He tells me, even when i mis-hit the shot, i must still do the follow-through, still must have the right back swing, still must have the correct leg movement. Every time i mis-hit, it's one thing to laugh it off, but i should learn from mistakes, instead of repeating them again and again.

I tell him, whenever i try to remember everything he tells me to, all the proper stroke and stance and all, i invariably miss/lose the ball. Too much things on my mind forces me to lose focus on the ball, on the shot... only when i ignore my training then can i actually even hit the ball.

However, he tells me, just like studying, when i get a math question wrong, i don't just move on. I force myself to understand why i did it wrong, and repeat again and again until it's 2nd nature to me. Until it's built into my subconscious, that i no longer have to think, until it makes complete logical sense. Tennis is exactly the same thing. keep doing it right, until it makes perfect physical sense. If i can study well, i can play tennis well. If i can play tennis well, I can live life right.

I can live life right!

in the meantime, going to work on my stamina....

Breathe..... just breathe

went out ECP running today. Weather was great after a long spate of hazy days. It's still my fav running track. Esplanade park is good after work, long time since i went botanical gardens, and never appreciated other places like bedok reservoir, with its super painful and shoe killing gravel track, and that park near NUS.

1 hour 5 mins, to cover my usual distance. Am slipping for sure. Need to bring it down to 45 mins. Unless I start biahing daily, might not achieve my stanchart target of 2.15 for the 21km. Even put up a countdown clock on the right to remind me constantly that time is drawing near.

Today's running was quite good. I controlled my breathing until it was a steady pace, allowing me to move at a consistent speed without getting too tired. Naturally the competitive me wanted to keep apace with some super runners whenever they pass me, and i doubled my footsteps, while forcing myself to stay at the same breathing rhythm.

It worked, for a while, and i knew i was moving faster than usual, and i was ok so long as i continued breathing regularly. Lack of stamina soon forced me to concede, and i was gasping for air, slowing down to an almost walking pace. When i lose control of my breathing....i am coughing, choking even, as my body unconsciously demands more oxygen, more energy. it doesn't really, but my body has long been in control of my breathing, telling me that i ought to breathe more, and as it does, my heart pace quickens, my vision blurs, i lose concentration of what i'm trying to do... which is simply to move my left leg forward, and then move my right leg forward.

Every sense in me tells me, "you can't do it anymore, you're tired, you're weak, you're fat"... again and again. my body unconsciously slouches forward, further impeding the flow of air down to my lungs, i feel the pain in my ankles, and the sweet sweet choice of just letting go and stopping.

I have been running... not frequently enough, 'tis true, but certainly long enough... but this is the struggle i go through each and every single time i run. friends always tell me it gets easier, and the urge to stop withers away after a while, but it's certainly not true. It's not just a physical struggle, it's an emotional fire fight, and every time i slow down or stop, feels like i lost once again. my own inner demons have bested whatever willpower i had that day. I feel like a total loser.

But, loser or not, i am still trying... in the blind hope that one day, some breakthrough will occur, that my love handles will just melt away, leaving only the persona of myself that i have always dreamed of, if not seen... that the person i felt was the real me can finally be revealed to the entire world... not the fat, ugly, hunch-backed, self-doubting and weak-willed chap that i see in the mirror everyday.

one day it will happen. am sure of it. when my 1.05 becomes 0.45.. when my waist drops till i need a new wardrobe, when i'm not suffocating under my layers of fats...

it will happen... just give me a little time...

in the meantime... one step at a time, one breath at a time

i want

i wish i had someone who i just want to bitch about my horrible work and life. someone i just feel like complaining to at the end of the day, when things go wrong, when life sucks no matter how hard you try. when i tell her my pain, doesn't matter what the actual contents are, i feel better at the end of the day because she was around listening to my rantings.

i wish i had someone who wants to hear me bitch. that even if it's a pain to hear me pour out my incessant troubles, she grins and bears it, coz she knows that she's the only person i really want to be around with when i'm so troubled, and that she alone can help me in my darkest hour.

to that special someone, i'll do exactly the same thing for you too.

isn't that ultimately what relationships are about?