Between letting go, and pushing away...

For all the evil things I do/say to/about my friends, I truly cherish my friends very, very much...

However... when i feel that a friend is slipping away, for various reasons... I would go into the "fight or flight" mode...

The fight...

I'll wrestle my way through those reasons...

I learn a totally new sport, language, making extra time available for him/her, changing my likes/dislikes... maybe even change my hairstyle... But these are only temporary fixes, a 'hack' solution akin to plugging a finger in the leak in the dam... Sometimes that works... but... based on historical evidence... there's only so long it can hold together...

The flight...

I push away...

guess it's age and experience coming into play... you know certain things are inevitable: you can't help what's going to change... the only option left is to... change how you respond to it.

It's a self-preservation mechanism...

the heart can't take anymore rejections... it's been smashed and crumpled so often that only a broken silhouette remains of its former glory... self-preservation by laying the groundwork... it's just like painting a house; if you paper the floor well enough, the stains of the paint job will never leave a mark... similarly, you cover up all the vulnerables, dun give anyone a chance to hurt you... your own brick wall... reinforced with steel and a piranha-infested moat...

It's a pre-emptive strike...

Hurt the other before the other hurts you... it sounds truly malicious and evil. But in this world of strangers and strange things, who else is there to look after you, but yourself? Let them hurt! Why should I always be the one suffering... silently?


...

Both ways, it hurts... suffer alone, or spread the misery?


is there a third way?