New Year, Old Thoughts

2007

Almost 27.

Gosh that's scary. Bet the same thought is growing through your head right now too.

The older you get, the longer the path you seem to have trot...

one's accomplishments get diluted by one's lifetime.

the older you get, the shorter the path in front of you appears...

you're too old to do this, you're too old to do that.
your body is weak, your flesh is putrid.
your mind is absence, your memory fading.

there's a point in your life where you're at the top of your game,
when you're the king of the 'hill',
this is a moment when one wonders,
"Am i still climbing my hill?
But have i already passed it?
If I had,
Was it a mountain?
Or an pile of sand,
already blown away by Time's gentle breeze?"

My scars, my wounds, and my aches
They carry my past with me.
Of past battles, past decisions, past choices.
They are the foundation of my soul.

But,
is the foundation sound?
Did i make the right choices then,
or have I doomed myself to a future of failures and regrets?

Is it too late
to say "I'm sorry, please let me try again??"

The answer is...

Maybe...


That's a word of hope, and a word of fear.
Carry both in the heart and walk onwards...

It's like a drug...

I know it's bad for me, but I can't help myself.

it beckons me, luring me into the midst, again and again.
It's the nectar of the gods, the spring of eternal hope,
"Open up, give in", it says, "this time, it will come true"

I resist, driving it to the back of my head, down to the depths of my memories.
But there it resides, never dying, never fading away,
just patiently, patiently, awaiting...
minutes, days, weeks even...

For the right opportunity,
that faintest glance at the corner of my eye,
that brief moment when my guard is let down,
that shadow of an opportunity is all it needs.

It strikes without warning, slicing into me like a blade,
gripping my heart with its fist and ripping it out,
In that split second, the intensity of the hurt doesn't register... yet.
Instead, there's a numbing , almost beautiful, shock
like the rising of a mushroom cloud, you stare in amazement...

the pain, that familiar feeling,
cutting a fresh wound over the old battle scars.
They never heal completely; it's just dried blood, the pretense of recovery...
no matter how many times i've gone thru it,
this time it hurts, more... much more.
it hurts to death, but it doesn't kill me...

i dun blame it.
It is passive.
I can only blame myself for letting it happen.
Again and again.

One day i will break it,
but it's not today...

Cheshire Home Excursion

Singapore Cheshire Home is our adopted charity. There are 76 residents there suffering from chronic disabilities and thus wheel-chair bound. We volunteered to bring 15 of them out Wednesday evening to show them the Christmas light-up at Orchard Road, and dine at Pizza Hut in Lucky Plaza.

Initially, we were quite worried as to how to react to the residents. It was the fear of being over-exuberant, and to a lesser extent, being almost condescending. They were not kids nor mentally handicapped, but rather people who, in part of or all, suffered from diseases which rendered them unable to use their lower limbs. Some of them could not articulate their hands properly and had difficulty eating or drinking.

In spite of their obvious physical sufferings, they were amazingly cheerful, ecstatic even! It was a joy to dine with them, and i learned a tremendous amount in the brief hours we were together. Initially, I was carving out for each of them a pizza slice. Thoughtless me... didn't realise that they had trouble cutting the pizza until my colleague gently chided me... Spurred into action, i slowly sliced up the pizza into tiny bite-sized morsels for easy consumption. The kid i was seated in front of (the cheerful boy shown in the pic above) could not easily articulate his hands, and had to drink the mushroom soup using a straw. Once again, i failed to notice that the soup was too hot to drink with a straw. He took a big sip and his eyes bulged! A big grin was on his face and his eyes told me that it was HOT HOT HOT! Half-apologetic and half-laughing like the idiot that i was, i proceeded to spend the next 5 mins stirring the soup until it was just cool enough to drink with a straw. This time he sucked it dry. He really liked that mushroom soup!

Singapore Marathon 3 December 2006

I have talked the talk... and now I have ran the run. 21.1km. The crisp Sunday morning air was perfect; the light drizzle midway spurred me on, each raindrop pricking my searing skin like needles; and the cheering at the finishing line was like lightning that coursed through my aching limbs. Did it in 2hrs and 33mins, about 6 mins better than my previous AHM timing. Next time will be better! I've done it once, and now have done it twice... the next time will only get easier. AND faster.

2) My stupid mp3 player died on me, when it was only 3km into the run. The fast-paced, pulsating and exhilarating beats sputtered its last dying notes way before i even got into my running rhythm. Movement without music... note-unworthy. My standard running inspiration... drowned out in a cacophony of aches and pains, and more importantly, self-doubt... But i kept apace, even when my legs stopped listening to the head, because it WAS easier to move than to stop..... Dumped my mp3 player in the CityLink bin, too distraught by its failures to render it a second chance......

My first Standard Chartered Run.... the first of many many more to come. My mum actually came down to support me, unfortunately didn't manage to catch her as i crossed the finish line. Guess I was just concentrating on the medal... the special one that stated unabashedly that even though i was placed 2000+ in my category, i was still a winner...

Saw this chap who was running, his inspiration for running was that he used to be 94000g... even now, i weigh in much more than he did at his 'peak'. Dunno whether to be proud, or pissed actually. Apparently fat people not capable of running marathons. When some of my friends heard that i was running, they went "YOU??? ARE YOU SURE?????!?" with that shocked, sneering-down-the-nose look. Would love to say that i ran this race to show myself that i could... Part of me secretly taking a shot back at those people, and say "There! I DID it! and I'll do it again and again until you accept that I AM better than you think I am!"

Friend asked me today if i wanted her finisher's t-shirt, since by the time she came in, all her sizes were gone, and only XXLs were left. Sorely tempted... but definitely not. This is a shirt i cannot wear. The honour does not belong to me... yet. The giddy anticipation for next year, when i finally take the big step and sign up for the full, will keep me going. Donning that shirt when i finally achieved it will be the icing on the kueh lapis... every layer a symbol of a year of discipline in exercising, eating and mental endurance; a transformation from butter and fats into a solid, confident delicacy! haha! ok ok, gone too far with the cake analogy...

Alright, will take a break here. Got plenty more to update in my next post... Thanksgiving turkey, Volunteering, and others... Who says that life in Singapore is Boring? NOT me! at least no longer...