Watched a real heart-warming show today about a dog and the trials and tribulations a couple goes through over the years. This is obviously not a movie review, but watched it with a good friend. Am reminded of a quality I look for in a girl: Cry during sad movies.
I guess that people either look for qualities that are either similar, or complementary. It's the latter. Have lost the ability to cry. Maybe I'm hardened, or more likely, deadened, by past experiences, pains and suffering. I'm actually find it difficult to recount the last time I truly cried. Probably it was the night when I became single again. Having held up during the break-up while she broke down, when I got home, the walls came tumbling down and all the emotions swelled up...
But it happened almost a decade ago. Since then, zero, kosong, nada. Nothing gets me now. I've built up this impregnable fortress that nothing can pass. And nothing hurts me that hard. Instead of sadness, either I am emotionless, or I channel my emotions into anger and revenge...
That's why when girls cry during movies, I can feel their vulnerability, their openness to release their emotions and feelings out there, putting their hearts on a platter. It's a side that they would usually hide underneath their tough exterior. Maybe I use it as a proxy that they are not cold, heartless b***ards that I am, and stand in for the emptiness within me. Maybe their vulnerability will reveal a side of me that has been hidden away for years...
Maybe I just like to bring a packet of Kleenex for movies...
Sunday, March 01, 2009
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Resting
Sit back and relax... Reflect upon your journey thus far, and the road ahead. Close your eyes and inhale.
Feels good.
It has been tough. Tough week. Broken promises, shattered dreams and hearts. What else is left?
Feels good, to retreat back into the cocoon: my room. Here I am protected, sheltered from all the pain and suffering. Here there is warmth, there is love, hope and serenity. I recover, I regroup, I assess what has happened so far.
I cut my losses, and re-examine my strategies. Maybe certain things are not meant to be. That's ok, I just need to know which are those things. Something about me over the years, I have learnt to cope with losses quickly and move on to the next thing. No more stopping and moping, it just isn't worth my time.
Going to spend the next couple of hours thinking what I really want to achieve in my life, and maybe record it down somewhere. Self-Assessment is good....
Feels good.
It has been tough. Tough week. Broken promises, shattered dreams and hearts. What else is left?
Feels good, to retreat back into the cocoon: my room. Here I am protected, sheltered from all the pain and suffering. Here there is warmth, there is love, hope and serenity. I recover, I regroup, I assess what has happened so far.
I cut my losses, and re-examine my strategies. Maybe certain things are not meant to be. That's ok, I just need to know which are those things. Something about me over the years, I have learnt to cope with losses quickly and move on to the next thing. No more stopping and moping, it just isn't worth my time.
Going to spend the next couple of hours thinking what I really want to achieve in my life, and maybe record it down somewhere. Self-Assessment is good....
Friday, February 20, 2009
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Another one bites the dust...
Another one bites the proverbial dust. Good to be clear, good to know, things just wouldn't have worked out.
Whereas other guys chalk up bedside 'kills', my list is wildly different. The women who didn't love me (and made it clear). I am just running about, trying to find the right girl for me, but so far, in my 28 years of existence, I have failed especially miserably. Why they have always decided that I wasn't the one?
I believe that it is just the differences in personalities, not that there's something fundamentally flawed about me. I have to believe it, else the obvious alternative is that there's something so wrong about me that everyone can see it a mile away, and they start running.
Belief is an especially wonderful thing, particularly when one uses it to escape certain facts or truths, to carry on living in an especially cruel and lonely world.
When I like someone, I try, probably too damn hard, something that I can't particularly resolve within myself. But isn't that what love is about? Wanting to be more, wanting to do more, going over the usual things one would do for friends and family? Should I instead close in further within, and mete out to them the same affections as I would to my pet fish?
Each failure just makes it even less enjoyable for the next girl, cause the list of things I would do, the issues I would accommodate, will drop even more. Maybe I should draw out a list and see what is still possible.
List of Nos
1) No, to being late. A person's who's habitually late has zero respect for the people they are late for.
2) No, to being couch potatoes. It's a clear indication of the personality they have.
3) No, to being drama viewers. They would rather live their lives over the tube, than go out and face reality.
4) No, to having the wrong life priorities. If you can't prioritise, or if your priorities are wrong, then you are not mature enough.
5) No, to those refusing new experiences. Life should be different, ever-changing, not boxed in and shut. Those who have barely left the country, or completely devoted to the Singaporean life without experiencing the taste of other countries, I cannot accept their lack of spirit, of adventure.
6) No, to the overly demanding. As a couple, one cannot hope to have everything to his/her favour; there will always be accommodations and compromises. I cannot give in and in and in, until I forget who I am anymore. Love me for me.
Obviously, this paints out the personality (through my dark-tinted glasses) of the last one that didn't work. But the unacceptable flaws of the last one adds to the growing concept of the painting that i'm going to draw. I now have the outline, the silhouette, and little by little, am more clearly defining the shape, the lines, the borders... the background is almost ready.
Time to start penciling in the subject...
Whereas other guys chalk up bedside 'kills', my list is wildly different. The women who didn't love me (and made it clear). I am just running about, trying to find the right girl for me, but so far, in my 28 years of existence, I have failed especially miserably. Why they have always decided that I wasn't the one?
I believe that it is just the differences in personalities, not that there's something fundamentally flawed about me. I have to believe it, else the obvious alternative is that there's something so wrong about me that everyone can see it a mile away, and they start running.
Belief is an especially wonderful thing, particularly when one uses it to escape certain facts or truths, to carry on living in an especially cruel and lonely world.
When I like someone, I try, probably too damn hard, something that I can't particularly resolve within myself. But isn't that what love is about? Wanting to be more, wanting to do more, going over the usual things one would do for friends and family? Should I instead close in further within, and mete out to them the same affections as I would to my pet fish?
Each failure just makes it even less enjoyable for the next girl, cause the list of things I would do, the issues I would accommodate, will drop even more. Maybe I should draw out a list and see what is still possible.
List of Nos
1) No, to being late. A person's who's habitually late has zero respect for the people they are late for.
2) No, to being couch potatoes. It's a clear indication of the personality they have.
3) No, to being drama viewers. They would rather live their lives over the tube, than go out and face reality.
4) No, to having the wrong life priorities. If you can't prioritise, or if your priorities are wrong, then you are not mature enough.
5) No, to those refusing new experiences. Life should be different, ever-changing, not boxed in and shut. Those who have barely left the country, or completely devoted to the Singaporean life without experiencing the taste of other countries, I cannot accept their lack of spirit, of adventure.
6) No, to the overly demanding. As a couple, one cannot hope to have everything to his/her favour; there will always be accommodations and compromises. I cannot give in and in and in, until I forget who I am anymore. Love me for me.
Obviously, this paints out the personality (through my dark-tinted glasses) of the last one that didn't work. But the unacceptable flaws of the last one adds to the growing concept of the painting that i'm going to draw. I now have the outline, the silhouette, and little by little, am more clearly defining the shape, the lines, the borders... the background is almost ready.
Time to start penciling in the subject...
Sunday, February 08, 2009
Tuesday, February 03, 2009
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Saturday, January 10, 2009
Monday, January 05, 2009
Sunday, January 04, 2009
Friday, January 02, 2009
Thursday, January 01, 2009
Friday, December 19, 2008
The Running Damaged...
Distance : 7km
Time : 58min
Status : The injury has returned. The left knee is just crying out in pain with each step, saying "Please... stop.. You're shortening my life span. I'm going to give up on you any minute now if you continue"
Doesn't help when I don't have my double knee brace on. It's a definite reminder that I have to be fully prepared each time I run, and adequately recovering when I rest in between. That means glucosamine tablets, cream and enough stretching.
Though I went very slowly, I sorta remembered quite a few things. I used to run very slowly when I started, so that I wasn't out of breath, I could go super long distances in a relaxed and enjoyable fashion, and I recovered faster. If only I could keep my current heart-rate with a much better speed. That's the goal of runners, I guess.
One day, if it ever happens, when I can break 4 hours on the marathon, I'll look back and thank all the people who paved the way to my success. There were many... will write about it next time. A preparatory speech if you will...
Time : 58min
Status : The injury has returned. The left knee is just crying out in pain with each step, saying "Please... stop.. You're shortening my life span. I'm going to give up on you any minute now if you continue"
Doesn't help when I don't have my double knee brace on. It's a definite reminder that I have to be fully prepared each time I run, and adequately recovering when I rest in between. That means glucosamine tablets, cream and enough stretching.
Though I went very slowly, I sorta remembered quite a few things. I used to run very slowly when I started, so that I wasn't out of breath, I could go super long distances in a relaxed and enjoyable fashion, and I recovered faster. If only I could keep my current heart-rate with a much better speed. That's the goal of runners, I guess.
One day, if it ever happens, when I can break 4 hours on the marathon, I'll look back and thank all the people who paved the way to my success. There were many... will write about it next time. A preparatory speech if you will...
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Running (re)Start
Distance: 10km
Time: 70 mins (not inclusive of rest stops)
Area: Start at Fort Road, ECP, ran to the end, near the Marina Bay Golf Course, and turned around, to East Coast Hawker Centre, up to East Coast Road, and then home. Stopped at 7-Eleven's at The Playground@East Coast (aka Big Splash), bought two 250ml bottles of Sunkist Orange Juice. Very handy to run and carry the drink. Can do that next time.
Thoughts: Drinks definitely helped maintain my speed, which is still slow, about 7min per km. Used to be much faster, but believe that I am on the improving slope, and hopefully can bring speed up to about 6min/km for long distances. Heart rate is still too fast, reached >180 beats per minute. Need to bring down to ~120 if possible. It's good to begin running about 10 days after my half marathon. Last year, really left it too late to restart my runs, while still overeating non-stop. This year, I am slightly more disciplined, and have restarted my jogging. Hopefully I can get up to speed for the Adidas Sundown Marathon on the 30 May 2009. Wonder if I'll attempt an overseas marathon this year, as my friends have all been talking about it.
My dream is to compete and complete the Marathon du Medoc. The most fascinating marathon ever. Where you run along the vineyards of France, drink wine and eat steak WHILE racing in fancy dress! Heard they only open the run to 9,000 entrants, with only 20% of that allocated to foreigners. It would combine all my loves: Running, Wine-tasting, Eating! Haha, who else can ask for more? Maybe it will be my 10th run, as a celebration...
Time: 70 mins (not inclusive of rest stops)
Area: Start at Fort Road, ECP, ran to the end, near the Marina Bay Golf Course, and turned around, to East Coast Hawker Centre, up to East Coast Road, and then home. Stopped at 7-Eleven's at The Playground@East Coast (aka Big Splash), bought two 250ml bottles of Sunkist Orange Juice. Very handy to run and carry the drink. Can do that next time.
Thoughts: Drinks definitely helped maintain my speed, which is still slow, about 7min per km. Used to be much faster, but believe that I am on the improving slope, and hopefully can bring speed up to about 6min/km for long distances. Heart rate is still too fast, reached >180 beats per minute. Need to bring down to ~120 if possible. It's good to begin running about 10 days after my half marathon. Last year, really left it too late to restart my runs, while still overeating non-stop. This year, I am slightly more disciplined, and have restarted my jogging. Hopefully I can get up to speed for the Adidas Sundown Marathon on the 30 May 2009. Wonder if I'll attempt an overseas marathon this year, as my friends have all been talking about it.
My dream is to compete and complete the Marathon du Medoc. The most fascinating marathon ever. Where you run along the vineyards of France, drink wine and eat steak WHILE racing in fancy dress! Heard they only open the run to 9,000 entrants, with only 20% of that allocated to foreigners. It would combine all my loves: Running, Wine-tasting, Eating! Haha, who else can ask for more? Maybe it will be my 10th run, as a celebration...
Stanchart Singapore (Half) Marathon
Ran the Half Marathon in about 3 hours. Dreadfully slow, but my knees took it well. In fact, i wanted to run the next few days but i held back to conserve them for my diving trip.
It was really quite fun, and to be honest, maybe coz i was going very slowly, but the 21km mark seems kinda short nowadays. Was disappointed that i didn't persist and actually go for the full distance. Saw the new finisher tee and it looks fantastic, too bad i dun get to wear this one. Means that I still got at least 9 more marathons to go, but definitely the spirit, the thrill of the race, is back within me. It was gone last year, after I completed the full, and lost the appetite for it somewhat, and had to force myself to run.
Maybe it was the book that i've been reading (Haruki Murakami's What I talk about when I talk about running), maybe it's my knee recovering from my long-suffering pains, maybe it's the remembrance of the great times i had when i was running along Charles River in Boston, but i feel like i have been given a fresh lease of running life.
It's good, it's what I always wanted. While running, i had this realization... I run to become a better man, and that's a journey, not a destination, so I will continue to just run and run and run, and improve and improve and improve and improve, hopefully :)
i hope that one day, i can just keep running to work, and avoid all the nasty commuting crap, life will certainly be different. My future commuting companions: my Garmin watch, my Asics Keyanos, my Ipod Shuffle and Sennheisers CX500s, Cho-pat Knee Guards, running cap, Adidas running shorts and my Mizunos tee... That's plenty company :)
It was really quite fun, and to be honest, maybe coz i was going very slowly, but the 21km mark seems kinda short nowadays. Was disappointed that i didn't persist and actually go for the full distance. Saw the new finisher tee and it looks fantastic, too bad i dun get to wear this one. Means that I still got at least 9 more marathons to go, but definitely the spirit, the thrill of the race, is back within me. It was gone last year, after I completed the full, and lost the appetite for it somewhat, and had to force myself to run.
Maybe it was the book that i've been reading (Haruki Murakami's What I talk about when I talk about running), maybe it's my knee recovering from my long-suffering pains, maybe it's the remembrance of the great times i had when i was running along Charles River in Boston, but i feel like i have been given a fresh lease of running life.
It's good, it's what I always wanted. While running, i had this realization... I run to become a better man, and that's a journey, not a destination, so I will continue to just run and run and run, and improve and improve and improve and improve, hopefully :)
i hope that one day, i can just keep running to work, and avoid all the nasty commuting crap, life will certainly be different. My future commuting companions: my Garmin watch, my Asics Keyanos, my Ipod Shuffle and Sennheisers CX500s, Cho-pat Knee Guards, running cap, Adidas running shorts and my Mizunos tee... That's plenty company :)
Monday, December 01, 2008
Swim today
Laps: 35
Time: About 50 mins
Feeling: Not bad, weather was good today, think I was rather ok on timing, could do 30 laps under 40mins, so still can make it for the biathlon trials. Kinda disappointed about my knees, won't be doing the marathon this Sunday, but shall look and think long-term, i.e. the next 20-30 marathons, instead of just this one on Sunday...
Time: About 50 mins
Feeling: Not bad, weather was good today, think I was rather ok on timing, could do 30 laps under 40mins, so still can make it for the biathlon trials. Kinda disappointed about my knees, won't be doing the marathon this Sunday, but shall look and think long-term, i.e. the next 20-30 marathons, instead of just this one on Sunday...
Sunday, November 30, 2008
Tennis insights
Was playing on saturday with a friend, and realized something new, so am going to log it down so that i'll remember it easily...
Everytime i hit the ball with my forehand, and my backhand as well, realized that i tensed up too much, and hit the ball in an arc way above my natural swing. I started relaxing my arm, consciously lowering it each other just before i swing out, and it really works! the parabola is really smooth and the ball stays in, and i feel alot more natural hitting it again and again.
Must say my tennis really improved after this, next is to keep the consistency and work on the same concept with my backhand swing: to untense,to lower the arm, and to swing in a natural, slightly upward tilt.
Can't wait for my next tennis game...
:)
Everytime i hit the ball with my forehand, and my backhand as well, realized that i tensed up too much, and hit the ball in an arc way above my natural swing. I started relaxing my arm, consciously lowering it each other just before i swing out, and it really works! the parabola is really smooth and the ball stays in, and i feel alot more natural hitting it again and again.
Must say my tennis really improved after this, next is to keep the consistency and work on the same concept with my backhand swing: to untense,to lower the arm, and to swing in a natural, slightly upward tilt.
Can't wait for my next tennis game...
:)
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
I LOVE THIS SONG!!!!
I know it's sorta terrible and bad-ass, but i can't help it, i LOVE this song!
"It Wasn't Me"
(feat. Ricardo Ducent)
Youtube Video
(Yo', man) Yo'
(Open up, man) What do you want, man?
(My girl just caught me) You let her catch you?
(I don't know how I let this happen) With who?
(The girl next door, you know) Man
(I don't know what to do) Say it wasn't you
(Alright)
Honey came in and she caught me red-handed
Creeping with the girl next door
Picture this, we were both butt naked, banging on the bathroom floor
How could I forget that I had
Given her an extra key
All this time she was standing there
She never took her eyes off me
How you can grant the woman access to your villa
Trespasser and a witness while you cling to your pillow
You better watch your back before she turn into a killer
Best for you and the situation not to call the beaner
To be a true player you have to know how to play
If she say a night, convince her say a day
Never admit to a word when she say makes a claim
And you tell her baby no way
But she caught me on the counter (It wasn't me)
Saw me bangin' on the sofa (It wasn't me)
I even had her in the shower (It wasn't me)
She even caught me on camera (It wasn't me)
She saw the marks on my shoulder (It wasn't me)
Heard the words that I told her (It wasn't me)
Heard the scream get louder (It wasn't me)
She stayed until it was over
Honey came in and she caught me red-handed
Creeping with the girl next door
Picture this, we were both butt naked, banging on the bathroom floor
I had tried to keep her
From what she was about to see
Why should she believe me
When I told her it wasn't me
Make sure she knows it's not you and lead her on the right prefix
Whenever you should see her make the giggolo flex
As funny as it be by you, it not that complex
Seeing is believing so you better change your specs
You know she not gonna be worrying bout things from the past
Hardly recollecting and then she'll go to noontime mass
Wait for your answer: go over there
But if she pack a gun you know you better run fast
But she caught me on the counter (It wasn't me)
Saw me bangin' on the sofa (It wasn't me)
I even had her in the shower (It wasn't me)
She even caught me on camera (It wasn't me)
She saw the marks on my shoulder (It wasn't me)
Heard the words that I told her (It wasn't me)
Heard the scream get louder (It wasn't me)
She stayed until it was over
Honey came in and she caught me red-handed
Creeping with the girl next door
Picture this, we were both butt naked, banging on the bathroom floor
How could I forget that I had
Given her an extra key
All this time she was standing there
She never took her eyes off me
Gonna tell her that I'm sorry
For the pain that I've caused
I've been listening to your reasoning
It makes no sense at all
We should tell her that I'm sorry
For the pain that I've caused
You may think that you're a player
But you're completely lost
That's why I sing
Honey came in and she caught me red-handed
Creeping with the girl next door
Picture this, we were both butt naked, banging on the bathroom floor
How could I forget that I had
Given her an extra key
All this time she was standing there
She never took her eyes off me
"It Wasn't Me"
(feat. Ricardo Ducent)
Youtube Video
(Yo', man) Yo'
(Open up, man) What do you want, man?
(My girl just caught me) You let her catch you?
(I don't know how I let this happen) With who?
(The girl next door, you know) Man
(I don't know what to do) Say it wasn't you
(Alright)
Honey came in and she caught me red-handed
Creeping with the girl next door
Picture this, we were both butt naked, banging on the bathroom floor
How could I forget that I had
Given her an extra key
All this time she was standing there
She never took her eyes off me
How you can grant the woman access to your villa
Trespasser and a witness while you cling to your pillow
You better watch your back before she turn into a killer
Best for you and the situation not to call the beaner
To be a true player you have to know how to play
If she say a night, convince her say a day
Never admit to a word when she say makes a claim
And you tell her baby no way
But she caught me on the counter (It wasn't me)
Saw me bangin' on the sofa (It wasn't me)
I even had her in the shower (It wasn't me)
She even caught me on camera (It wasn't me)
She saw the marks on my shoulder (It wasn't me)
Heard the words that I told her (It wasn't me)
Heard the scream get louder (It wasn't me)
She stayed until it was over
Honey came in and she caught me red-handed
Creeping with the girl next door
Picture this, we were both butt naked, banging on the bathroom floor
I had tried to keep her
From what she was about to see
Why should she believe me
When I told her it wasn't me
Make sure she knows it's not you and lead her on the right prefix
Whenever you should see her make the giggolo flex
As funny as it be by you, it not that complex
Seeing is believing so you better change your specs
You know she not gonna be worrying bout things from the past
Hardly recollecting and then she'll go to noontime mass
Wait for your answer: go over there
But if she pack a gun you know you better run fast
But she caught me on the counter (It wasn't me)
Saw me bangin' on the sofa (It wasn't me)
I even had her in the shower (It wasn't me)
She even caught me on camera (It wasn't me)
She saw the marks on my shoulder (It wasn't me)
Heard the words that I told her (It wasn't me)
Heard the scream get louder (It wasn't me)
She stayed until it was over
Honey came in and she caught me red-handed
Creeping with the girl next door
Picture this, we were both butt naked, banging on the bathroom floor
How could I forget that I had
Given her an extra key
All this time she was standing there
She never took her eyes off me
Gonna tell her that I'm sorry
For the pain that I've caused
I've been listening to your reasoning
It makes no sense at all
We should tell her that I'm sorry
For the pain that I've caused
You may think that you're a player
But you're completely lost
That's why I sing
Honey came in and she caught me red-handed
Creeping with the girl next door
Picture this, we were both butt naked, banging on the bathroom floor
How could I forget that I had
Given her an extra key
All this time she was standing there
She never took her eyes off me
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Self-discipline...
Weaning off msn on weeknights...
They say it takes 21 days for a habit to form... I have to endure it for 3 weeks...
They say it takes 21 days for a habit to form... I have to endure it for 3 weeks...
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