in university, i craved having someone by my side to listen to me grouse about my workload, to walk along the river bank in the setting sun, to mother me when i'm sick and complaining like a brat, to fret over when she's sick or crushed with work, to console her in her disappointments...i even planned before a nice romantic dinner, thought about the cutlery, the food, the candles, even the type of music to be played, the worrying whether the food would be too burnt/dry/uncooked/overcooked/tasteless/gross...
then like that, my 5 years of uni life just passed. like the snap of a finger. all i had to remember, was the lonely nights spent sitting in front of my computer, hoping... begging for someone to come on msn, ping me, and acknowledge my existence. there were many a times i felt that, if i had just died in my room, no one would know until the stench of my carcass seeped into my neighbor's air vent. It was a period of non-existence; I was lonely...
Yet, on the other hand, I also started avoiding people. Outwardly i was all smiles and cheerful banter, but i kept an invisible barrier between myself and others, declining invitations. Even when i went to gatherings, i couldn't connect with the others. i knew it, and pretty soon, so did the others. When people ask me what the best time i had, the first thing that came into mind....Sitting in front of my laptop, a dvd waiting to start playing, a nice full-sized roasted chicken on my plate, a bottle of white wine at the side, and the promise of sweet delicious chocolate dessert ... alone, by myself...
it's almost hilarious, a loner, afraid of loneliness.
i thought this feeling would end when i came back here. no, it's just the same feeling but at a different location. i take up a myraid of activities to keep me occupied, to fill up my time after work, but at the end of every day, when i'm lying in bed, i know that i am still... alone. alone in the sense that i think no one out there knows how i feel, no one out there understands or truly appreciates who i am, no one out there who i feel i can connect with without even saying a word, no one out there i can just sit together with in a comfortable and reassuring silence.
there are billions of people in the world, isn't it amazing that i can still feel lonely?
I don't want to be alone anymore, but i dunno what i can do...
3 comments:
actually, what u've described is a feeling many of us - known or unknown to one another - have felt at some point of time. or even regularly feels, from time to time.
i've felt it before, more so when i was in THE foreign land...during the periods when i feel really really low and alone. i tried all sorts of methods. pure solitude immersed in my own thoughts; physical solitude with company from friends online; solitude with spiritual refreshment from a distant stranger; an author - yet not so distant through the words amongst the pages i hold in my hand; solitude with the accompaniment of music and voices of radio deejays and other strangers halfway across the world, sharing the same feelings .
but then, what gets me out of the mood is the littlest thing a friend does - an unexpected MSN message as i stone behind my laptop, a surprise long-distance phonecall, freshly-baked cookies my roommate delivers to my room and leaves outside the door waiting to surprise me, understanding the loud music i was blasting as an indication of my desire for quiet respite.
the feeling of happiness and love permeates through the mind, just like what they say - sunshine after the rain. trite? but true. the alternating ups and downs; the long, eager wait for something truly beautiful and lasting...
life's beautiful like that. :)
take care, my friend.
DILPB
isn't there an end to this cycle of ups and downs? isn't that what people strive for? if everything you do in the end, still leads to the same inevitable cycle of ups and downs, doesn't it render your actions meaningless?
yes, there's a beautiful end, if u are willing to strive and persevere patiently. just that right now, u probably dun even know what the end is gonna be like...but u know, it'll be one of the best things that happens to u...
haf faith and believe. =)
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