Had a meaningful discussion last night with her.
Gave myself a better understanding of how I think with respect to her...
The two of us are out-of-sync. What does this mean? She started working 1 1/2 years before I did, so the emotions that i'm going thru right now, the issues, the frustrations, and the disappointments , she's like "Been there, done that, your turn to face it"... her work maturity has already moved on to the next stage, and it only seems that all i will ever be able to do is play catch-up...
does it matter? i dunno... perhaps it's the male chauvinistic pig inherent in me, but i do wish i wasn't always on the receiving end of experienced advice. all i really suffer from is a time-lag, which is a gift from the system that i grew up with. eventually things will level out, i hope...
talking yesterday, reached the realization that the two of us, perhaps like the majority of people our age, don't really know what we are doing with our lives. she's amazed and envious of women who can live for their family and children. Our time is running out, she says, not much time left to think about what to do with our lives already...
Which is true... I'm already 26. Sure, i can always say i'm still young and still got time left. But i'm over-drafting on my timebank even as i write this. I could be doing super productive office work, training up for my marathon, learning a new hobby, making new acquaintances. But I don't really know what the end result of all this is. I could only reply meekly that I have certain milestones, short-term tactical goals that I would like to achieve now, like health and fitness, like sports... and avoid thinking about my future...
She says that people are born, and then they die, so what's the point of leaving a trace behind? Yet i am not prepared to go willingly into the night, coz i always wished i could leave a mark, leave some sort of legacy behind. That's how parents achieve immortality, isn't it, by having children? People who know me well, know that i have this concept of maintaining my mobility, by refusing to lay down roots here or elsewhere, so i can just pick up and scoot off in a blink of an eye. and yet, even deeper within myself, i always knew that i want someone to live with, to love, to grow old with, to settle down...
Someone once said that "What we leave behind is not as important as how we lived"... I haven't left anything behind, and i haven't been ecstactic about how i've been living too...
So, what am i doing?
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