Realised I never wrote about one of my few guiding philosophies in life... Often expressed to close friends, in words and in actions. But I guess it is the (unwritten) rule that if it's not set down in ink, it counts not. My life decisions, no matter how innocuous, be often be quite easily traced to this philosophy. Anyway, this is how I live my life...
... Like Forrest's leaf, going where the wind blows...
I often attribute it to the side-effects of my overseas education. The first day I stepped into the cornfields of the Land of Lincoln, I was advised this "Good Trick": Don't think of staying here long-term; you're only passing through...
At first, it only represented the physical materials in life. Since I will be in the dorms the first year only, there's no real need to buy too much stuff, since I would have to shift / throw them the following year. The more nonsense I accumulate, the more baggage there is down the road. I kept that "Good Trick" very close to my heart; I purchased as little "necessities" as needed. Whatever I bought, I kept the packaging, in preparation that I will be reusing it to shift out someday.
Whenever I chanced across something I really wanted, I asked myself, is my need transient, cause the outcome of my decision might not be... With that, I denied myself many things, many times over. I could live without those material things, in the firm belief that there will be one day, when I settled down, when all these things will come.
... I've only just arrived, but I'm good to go...
After that first year in the dorm, I finally moved out to an apartment. People who have seen that apartment would remember the one unusual aspect of our living room. It was full of boxes, stacked all around the living room. The boxes accumulated from the first day we moved in, in preparation for our eventual departure.
The boxes stood there until the day we all went our separate ways two years later. Because, in our hearts, we knew that the apartment was transient, and that like in the dorms, there was no point "settling in" when we lived there knowing we would move out eventually. My philosophy strengthened and entrenched itself further.
Even more so, the original focus on only physical possessions evolved into emotional and romantic considerations as well. I no longer considered anywhere home. I was just passing through everywhere I went. Anything that would anchor me to a specific location, i.e. a lover, a permanent physical possession, a feeling of belonging, they were all taboo.
... Take only pictures, leave only footprints...
I became a "transient"; a person who is unwilling to lay his roots anywhere, and lived in the knowledge that my current situation is only "transitory". Unwillingness to lay down roots
anywhere, even when I returned to Singapore from my education. I don't think of where I live as home. It is a room where I stay after office hours. It is a place where I plot my next destination...
I don't believe in possessions here. Hence, I doubt I will ever decorate my room. They will become junk when I leave anyway. I doubt that I will ever buy a car. I can live without it. I doubt that I will ever buy an apartment. The 20-30 years stuck here paying off the housing loans is a complete deal-breaker for me.
Most importantly, I doubt I will ever fall in love here. Laying roots that lead to my heart would be the most difficult to shear off. If I believe that I will leave here someday, if I give my heart out to someone here, in the knowledge that I WILL leave here, I am just setting the stage for my eventual heartbreak.
... Where the heart is, I don't know ...
The point is that, I don't know where is home. Maybe the US, Europe, Middle-East, Antartica, the Mooon. Maybe it IS here. Until I know, until I reach there, physically and emotionally, I will abide by my philosophy. I won't allow myself a long-term commitment to a fixed location. I won't allow myself the luxury of being home. I won't allow myself to be exposed to love and heartbreak. Whatever hinders me from leaving is unacceptable.
...I am a transient...
That's only temporal.
3 comments:
Ever read in Buddhism this concept of "transience", of "non-attachment"? But I believe it does not mean to not want to love at all...it just means that we should treasure the moments and accept that one day they would be gone from us.
Better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all. =)
Dun speak to soon, luv. When you meet someone, all that junk will come in :D could be round the corner!
to anon 1:
perhaps u r right. am still searching for my own philosophy. maybe what i wrote is an extreme view, but generally it seems to be the way i am living my life... maybe the winds will change direction again...
to anon 2:
that's true, just haven't met the right one who would make me give up everything... not sure if i really want that to happen as well....
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