Breathe..... just breathe

went out ECP running today. Weather was great after a long spate of hazy days. It's still my fav running track. Esplanade park is good after work, long time since i went botanical gardens, and never appreciated other places like bedok reservoir, with its super painful and shoe killing gravel track, and that park near NUS.

1 hour 5 mins, to cover my usual distance. Am slipping for sure. Need to bring it down to 45 mins. Unless I start biahing daily, might not achieve my stanchart target of 2.15 for the 21km. Even put up a countdown clock on the right to remind me constantly that time is drawing near.

Today's running was quite good. I controlled my breathing until it was a steady pace, allowing me to move at a consistent speed without getting too tired. Naturally the competitive me wanted to keep apace with some super runners whenever they pass me, and i doubled my footsteps, while forcing myself to stay at the same breathing rhythm.

It worked, for a while, and i knew i was moving faster than usual, and i was ok so long as i continued breathing regularly. Lack of stamina soon forced me to concede, and i was gasping for air, slowing down to an almost walking pace. When i lose control of my breathing....i am coughing, choking even, as my body unconsciously demands more oxygen, more energy. it doesn't really, but my body has long been in control of my breathing, telling me that i ought to breathe more, and as it does, my heart pace quickens, my vision blurs, i lose concentration of what i'm trying to do... which is simply to move my left leg forward, and then move my right leg forward.

Every sense in me tells me, "you can't do it anymore, you're tired, you're weak, you're fat"... again and again. my body unconsciously slouches forward, further impeding the flow of air down to my lungs, i feel the pain in my ankles, and the sweet sweet choice of just letting go and stopping.

I have been running... not frequently enough, 'tis true, but certainly long enough... but this is the struggle i go through each and every single time i run. friends always tell me it gets easier, and the urge to stop withers away after a while, but it's certainly not true. It's not just a physical struggle, it's an emotional fire fight, and every time i slow down or stop, feels like i lost once again. my own inner demons have bested whatever willpower i had that day. I feel like a total loser.

But, loser or not, i am still trying... in the blind hope that one day, some breakthrough will occur, that my love handles will just melt away, leaving only the persona of myself that i have always dreamed of, if not seen... that the person i felt was the real me can finally be revealed to the entire world... not the fat, ugly, hunch-backed, self-doubting and weak-willed chap that i see in the mirror everyday.

one day it will happen. am sure of it. when my 1.05 becomes 0.45.. when my waist drops till i need a new wardrobe, when i'm not suffocating under my layers of fats...

it will happen... just give me a little time...

in the meantime... one step at a time, one breath at a time